Go in peace

Another somber aspect of our current condition is the inability to mourn the death of a dear one or pay respects. Together. In person. Life’s constants everywhere on earth include gathering to remember our loved ones, comfort each other, and then reflect. It’s a universal activity of humankind.

There is extremely upsetting news about ER nurses and doctors saying farewell to dying patients by proxy because their families cannot come to the hospital. Sometimes they hold up an iPad so they can see each other for the last time. The patients weren’t alone and the ER team comforted them. But, no ceremony, no communal goodbye. My sister attended a funeral online and said it was a disturbing, unnerving experience. A nurse from Rhode Island came to a New York hospital to help out and posted a dramatic report on Facebook about a miracle that happened on her last day, and that was joyous.

Like everyone, I’ve been cleaning, going through closets and cabinets, putting aside things I won’t ever use. How many Thanksgiving platters do you need? I have a few boxes of old cards, letters and photos, and over the past few weeks I’ve done a radical cull of decades of all this stuff because it is, in fact, that rainy day. It feels good.

My collection also includes many holy cards, which we get at Catholic wakes. A few are very old (handed down from my great aunt’s funeral) and I got one just a couple months ago at the wake of a friend’s mother. Growing up, we kept them in our prayer books as bookmarks or tucked them between the mirror and frame in our rooms. I cannot bear to discard them.

I’m especially sad today because Richard Hake, one of my favorite hosts on WNYC, our local NPR radio station, died over the weekend. He was wonderful, always interesting and interested, with a charming personality and a sly sense of humor. He was running the morning news show alone, from his apartment, and told his mother it was so difficult and that he hoped listeners couldn’t hear the noise of sirens from the street bleeding onto the air. Although I’ve come close during the weeks of the pandemic, I hadn’t cried until I heard this news, and now I can’t stop. We never met, but he meant a lot to me. My radio companions are my other family and shore me up. Today the station played tributes from his colleagues, all calling in remotely and distressed because they couldn’t be with each other to grieve Richard’s death. He went to Fordham, loved Barbra Streisand, No Doubt, Rufus Wainwright and New Order. Jim O’Grady’s obit says Richard was a practicing Catholic, cared about serving the public good and loved what he did. it makes me even sadder to know that Richard died alone, under such stress and he won’t have a wake. No ceremony. Or holy cards. I’m sure that his family will make some for him. RIP dear one.